Anger

Today I felt very angry that this happened to me. I am not angry at anyone; I’ve just been really crabby all day. With so many of my friends pregnant, I suppose the statistics say that one of us was bound to have some issues. Of course, I should have known, it would be me. That is usually the role that my husband and I play in life. If something shitty can happen, it typically happens to us. We don’t play victims, but we know that shitty things happen to us. We’ve determined that God wants us to learn a lot on this earth so that when we move on, we are more prepared to help others. For some people, this would drive them apart. For us, it has done the opposite. We grow closer with each difficult experience we have. The same can be said with this experience. I am so thankful for my husband. As my friend said, “You have the best partner in life to handle these hardships with.” Those words could not be more true.

I went to the mall today to get my husband a small thank you gift. I had a lot of emotions being there. In the past, I typically looked at baby clothing and anything other baby that I could buy. I got mad today because of this. Shopping therapy has not made me feel any better this past week. I have no desire to shop which really never happens. Maybe it’s because I still have a bit of belly that is making my pants tight. Maybe it’s because I was supposed to be buying maternity clothes now. Maybe it’s because clothes don’t mean shit when you’ve lost a baby.

A week ago, my husband would hug me and my boobs would hurt. Now he hugs me and there is no pain. Oh, how I want that pain back. Thank God for vicodin. By the way, I want to take the O’Doul’s beer left in the refrigerator and throw it against the wall. I’ve been known to throw a beer bottle or two when I’m angry.