In a Daze

The last five days have really been a blur. Every morning I wake up and have to tell myself that this is really happening. I have to bring myself back to the reality that my baby is gone forever. There was no heartbeat. It was gone. My baby had died. It’s one of the sickest feelings I’ve ever felt. This morning, I reached down and put my hand on my stomach. That used to give me so much joy, now I am left with emptiness. My uterus is empty and so is my heart.

When I went for the D&E procedure, I was nervous and scared. My emotions were all over the place. Not only was I feeling sad about having my baby taken from me, I felt sick about how the actual procedure occurs. Wasn’t there a more humane, gentler way to do this? Do they really need to use a vacuum to take my dead baby? I couldn’t bear to think about it and was so thankful that I would not be awake for any part of it. I was also feeling fearful that something would go wrong during the procedure and any chance of having a baby would be taken from me.

The whole procedure went well and I had no issues. When I woke up, the anesthesia was clearly still working. I didn’t want it to wear off because it was the first time I felt good since all this happened. I was blessed with nurses who took care of me physically and emotionally. They were caring and knew exactly the right things to say. Nurses should get paid more.

Today is Sunday and I am supposed to go back to work tomorrow. Am I ready? Can I make it through an eight hour day without breaking down? Can I make it through an eight hour day without a vicodin? Can I make it through a day without my husband and the undeniable support we have gotten from family and friends? They are the people who have carried me through thus far. How will it be when that continuous support is gone? I wonder when I’ll start to feel normal again. I know my normal will never be the same. I’m changed because of this.

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